Cars

The best Craigslist ad ever!

I should start by saying that if you are looking for a “Pajama party Barbie Jeep” you my friend, should keep looking. If you are looking for a short description of to the beast before you, I can offer you two words “MEAT & POTATOES”. This is the All American chariot of the free world.

You are not dealing with any ordinary, cookie cutter Jeep son. This thing was forged from a single block of all American Tungsten Steel. Real sturdy! From that day forward my life has never been the same. Winch yourself off that couch and see if you can handle this Jeep Wrangler Sahara.

So if you are looking for a rice burning hatch back, a solar powered liberal mobile, or even a Hyundai crossover keep on looking my friend this thing is a piece of red white and blue Americana Machinery.

This baby’s pulse is pumping 4.0 liters of uncensored raw fuel through her straight six nuclear power plant. And rest assured this is no metro feminine automatic. . .you command her to obey, with your calloused hand planted firmly on the shifter. And she will obey, the first time, every time. If you can’t handle your stick shifter, or reach the clutch pedal, you better not ferry skip over here wanting to test drive her. If you stall her out, you can count on getting hit in the face with a piece of re-bar and sent back where you came from.

It has A/C but are you kidding me….Really! If you want to blow the sweat off your brow, you do it the old fashioned way: doors off, top down. “What if it rains?”. . .You whiney bitch! I told you to stop reading. . . Any man who drives this beast doesn’t give a damn about rain. Not even skin melting acid rain, Cause he’s already dripping wet in blood, sweat, dip spit, and fish guts.

If you are looking for the kind of jeep that has to be pansy parked in the garage, so the “carpet doesn’t get wet and soggy” Then you should plant your Obama sticker on some Japanese piece of shit. Cause this thing has drain holes in the floor and rhino lined to let the blood drain out from the buffalo you just killed, with your bare hands. Because you are William Wallace from Braveheart and when you get home you can leave your “sissy sponge glove car wash kit” in the pink bucket it came in. Go ahead and spark up your 6000 psi heated pressure washer on the dually trailer in your man cave, cause you are Tim Gillespie and you can pressure wash your truck on the inside. She’s got rhino lined floors with a full roll cage in case that buffalo comes back to life while you’re doing 80 over some mountain pass or flooded river.

If you’re thinking about Mexican chrome bumpers for her, think again. The bumper bashers come hand forged in a blacksmith shop in Franklin County over a wood burnin fire, out of 4 inch well casing, and railroad tracks and then I welded em to the damn chassis. That way if you get deployed you can piggy back this war wagon on a deuce and a half and chain her down tight from the four corners, so you don’t lose her when your convoy gets hit by a taliband roadside suicide bomber.

And forget about putting one of those “It’s a Jeep Thing. . .You wouldn’t understand” stickers on this machine cause when you’re spotted in this American Classic there will be no questions, no further explanation required, people will understand and get out of your way. . …real quick.

If you think you’re ready to park this panty hauler on your tract of land. If you buy this jeep you better go get your old lady ready for some damn changes around your lair, cause this shit will be happening. What will be Happening? Glad you asked….

1. More chest hair.
2. You’re growing a beard.
3. Meat Only Diet.
4. T-Rex for a pet.
5. You’re taking a job at the lumber mill.
6. Your car carries five kegs.
7. Penis enlargement.
8. Catch more fish.
9. Wire bristled toothbrush.
10. Sex in the yard.
11. Sex in the garage.
12. All male offspring.
13. Chiseled jaw line.
14. Not giving a damn.
15. Flesh turning to steel.
16. Higher salary
17. Promotions.
18. Better looking wives.
19. Better looking mistresses.
20. More golfing
21. More killing stuff.
22. More dead animals in the KITCHEN freezer.
23. More tools in your garage.
24. Bigger TV
25. Wife takes out the trash
26. Four Wheel Drive
27. Wife brings trash can in from road.
28. Wife stops bitching about clothes on floor.
29. Wife stocks fridge with beer.
30. Chuck Norris.
31. John McCain
32. Steaks for dinner.
33. Winning the Lottery.
34. Women on the side.
35. Wrestling with bea
36. Building shit out of stone.
37. Riding Lawn Mower.
38. Bon Fires in cul-de-sac.
39. Bar Fights.
40. Wife picks you up from Thee Gentlemen’s Club.
41. Craftsman Tools.
42. Jay Bisset.
43. Welding stuff.
44. Digging holes.
45. Huge Piece of meat.

Put your GPS back in your purse.

Sounds good doesn’t it?

This jeep has carried me through 155,000 miles of battlefield twice as gruesome as the second half of the movie “300″. . ..And just like a trusty steed this juggernaut has never left me stranded. If you think you’ve worn her out you drag this beast back to me in any condition. And Ill handle the rest.

But if you think you’re going to get to whip this mule you better pony up Sixty Five Hundred Dollars. . .American Cash. I’m not selling you this car unless you are clearly a pure blooded American Species, so don’t even think about it.

Canned Heat

Fri Nov 22 2013 16:00:15 GMT+0000 (Coordinated Universal Time)

1973 Corvette Stingray Convertible Project.

The seller of this 1973 Corvette Stingray is somewhat vague about their car. They claim it has been sitting since they bought it in 1979 as a project car, but they don’t mention what was wrong with it then. If it was a fixer upper when it was only 6 years old, one can only assume that there were some major problems. We aren’t sure what issues it might have, but with a starting bid of $5k and no reserve, it might be worth looking into.

After sitting for the past 34 years, we are sure this Vette will need lots of work regardless of what was already wrong with it. The seller hasn’t tried to start it since parking it, so we aren’t sure if that means there were mechanical issues or not. The body looks straight and from what is visible in the pictures, the engine and interior both look to be intact. Hopefully, the seller is willing to share more about why it was parked in the first place. It could be something simple that took it off the road, but being vague makes most buyers nervous and could hurt their chances of finding a good home for it. If it isn’t anything serious, this could be a great buy for a 350/4-speed equipped Stingray.

Canned Heat

Fri Oct 04 2013 16:19:30 GMT+0000 (Coordinated Universal Time)

The funniest Craigslist ad ever!
2013 GMC 2500 Denali. $45,000. Below Blue Book!!!! Why you ask? This truck may be more loaded than an Irishman in a whiskey-drinking contest, but it is no Sunday driver. It is a ¾ ton, 4-wheel drive, luxury work horse and it was cast from smelted bullet casings and stealth fighters by God's own iron fist to be rode hard and put away wet. It may have a couple of scratches on it but that is ok. And do you know why? Because it's a truck. And you're a man. And together you are Maximus Meridius from Gladiator. And while women may swoon at your kind hard heart and gentile touch, underneath it all you are a BAMF who doesn't back down from a fight and you have the scars to prove it. Because you sweat pure gasoline, and bleed oil and all you need is your 360hp Vortec chariot to get you to the promise land.

Your boats and snow machines are nothing but a light snack for this 6-speed auto, HD, demon-powered towing machine. With its Z71 Off-road package, you can enter dirt track races while towing your 17,800-lb life-size robot collection and a hot tub full of topless super models, and still win. All while outrunning the cops and mowing down zombies with your Mack truck-resembling chrome front bumper.

More technologically advanced than the Starship Enterprise, this truck will transport you in style while trusting you with all of its secrets. Wondering what your oil pressure is but don't want go outside to check? Simply consult your smartphone and unveil everything you desire to know. Tire pressure, engine temperature, gas level, oil pressure, can all be summoned and accessible to you alone at the touch of your fingertip. Your friends will start to wonder how you became so wise and the Oracle from the Matrix will be calling to ask you for advice.

With its 6.0 liter V8, this truck will transport you to your destination faster than you can say Bad Mother Fu@#er and will arrive with about the subtlety of a tectonic plate shifting during the 1964 earthquake. Yes people will stare, my friend. Because you are always the winner in the reaux sham beaux that is your life; because rock trumps scissors, paper trumps rock, but a swift kick to the balls trumps paper, every time.

The rear automatic sliding glass window allows you to make sure that the grizzly you killed with your bare hands hasn't come back to life. Or the sled you loaded up to high mark Mt McKinley hasn't budged an inch. Since your 6 1/2' bed is Rhino Lined with ¼" of near bullet-proof rubber, your big boy toys will be safely transported to the fiery inferno's of hell and back, because that is where you go to play.

But what about the interior you ask? Hundreds of lambs died an honorable death to effectuate leather soft enough to make-up this hulk's supple interior. The climate can be controlled to subliminal perfection by the shear omnipotent power in your callused right hand. The perpetually-complaining-about-the-cold woman in your life will be happy to know that heat can be generated at the touch of a button that will literally light a fire under her ass. In addition to heated (and cooled) seats, it's power can be summoned from anywhere on the planet; it's 8 powerful pistons coaxed into roaring to life for you alone, because you are the Lone Ranger, but Silver has nothing on this faithful steed. Sitting in the command center of this 2013 batmobile black, panty-dropping stallion, you will have more features at your fingertips than that kid David in "Flight of the Navigator," but you will look like a lot less of a douche, because you aren't flying a talking space ship 3 yards from the ground. You're Han Solo, flying the Millennium Falcon, and The Force is for pussies.

Yes, this truck may have more options than a menu at Village Inn, but don't let its Babylonian luxury fool you. It may have you feeling richer than a Russian Czar but it is about as tameable as a rogue wave and will chew you up and spit you out if you do not give it the respect it commands. But command it you will, and respect you will have because this truck is intimidating. Corvettes, Challengers and other gutless vehicles scurry out of its way, even when it's in the slow lane. The pilot car in construction sites escorts it through immediately, even when it's the only vehicle in line. It can out run the cops in 2nd gear, and does. It will park in a handicap space, then tow the tow-truck away. It will be the best man at your wedding, sleep with your bride, and never call her again. Yeah, it's that bad.

If you like the looks of this truck but don't think that is worth every bit of $45,000, then do not bother calling. Because this truck is the lovechild of Optimus Prime and Kit from knight Rider and if you don't recognize its true potential, than you do not deserve to be at the helm of such an almighty machine.

Skip the dealership, all you will get there is a long-winded sales pitch. . ...

For more information email, call, or text Caitlin 907-398-5390

Canned Heat

Tue Sep 24 2013 15:18:24 GMT+0000 (Coordinated Universal Time)

OLYMPIAN CARS - MIDDLEBURY VERMONT USA
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